


Nuisance Bird

by SarcasticSmiler



Series: Chicken AU [7]
Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Chicken!AU, M/M, wish I could say this wasn't based on true events
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-05
Updated: 2017-05-05
Packaged: 2018-10-28 09:29:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 609
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10828485
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SarcasticSmiler/pseuds/SarcasticSmiler
Summary: Lobelia gets somewhere she shouldn't





	Nuisance Bird

Scrubbing his wet curls with a towel, Bilbo squinted out of the fogged-up bathroom window at a blue blob bobbing about where it didn’t belong. With a swipe of his hand against the pane, Bilbo’s squint morphed into a glare when the feathered fiend scratching in his vegetable garden became clear.

Dropping his towel in a damp heap on the floor, Bilbo quickly swiped up his patchwork dressing gown, tugging it on and tying it haphazardly as he rushed through the house to the backdoor.

“Lobelia Cluckville-Baggins!” he shouted once his bare feet hit the lawn. “Get your feathered backside away from my tomatoes!”

The feathered fiend in question merely looked in his direction and gave a questioning cluck.

“You! Out!” Bilbo shouted again as he marched determinedly towards her. “I swear, Lobelia, once I get my hands on you…”

Finally taking the advancing Bilbo seriously, Lobelia fluttered a few steps away from the tomato plants she’d been happily devouring, only to take a few pecks out of some nearby lettuce leaves.

“Lobelia!” Bilbo practically shrieked.

The whole situation quickly devolved into a comical chase that Bilbo would later deny being a part of. Lobelia always seemed to be two steps ahead of him, her waddling gait aided with the use of her wings.

Red faced and panting, Bilbo _finally_ managed to wrap his fingers around her tail feathers. The pause she took to squawk indignantly at him gave Bilbo the precious few seconds needed to grab her properly.

“You’re a bloody nuisance of a bird,” he scolded, holding her securely against his chest. “You’re lucky to don’t end up on the table. All the trimmings of a Sunday roast would suit you nicely considering you’ve already seasoned yourself with my damn herbs!”

Lobelia clucked at him, oblivious to his empty threats. Head cocking to one side, she quickly found something else to occupy herself with.

Bilbo yelped when a sharp beak pecked an exposed nipple.

“Damnit Lobelia!” tossing her over the wall of his vegetable garden, Bilbo glared as she fluttered harmlessly to the ground, ruffling her feathers before strutting off to see what else she could get into.

“Bloody chicken,” he muttered irritably, rubbing at his abused nipple. Realising, as he did so, that in their maddened chase the tie to his dressing gown had loosened, leaving his front exposed for all and sundry to see.

With a yelp, he yanked the robe closed, wide eyes flicking frantically to the darkened windows of the neighbouring houses.

A deep rumbling chuckle quickly drew his attention back to his own house and the amused husband leaning against the open backdoor.

Feeling his flush of exertion burn brighter with embarrassment, Bilbo stomped back across the grass.

“You need to fix the netting,” he grumbled trying to shove past.

“Later,” Thorin chuckled, wrapping an arm around Bilbo’s waist to tug his embarrassed husband against him.

“Not in the mood, Thorin,” Bilbo huffed as bristly kisses were brushed over his warm cheeks.

“Go sit down, I’ll make you tea,” Thorin promised, thick fingers tying Bilbo’s robe more securely before nudging him towards the kitchen table.

With a put-upon sigh, Bilbo did as he was told. Slowly calming himself while he watched Thorin move about the kitchen, making tea and slicing cake.

When their tea and cake was finally gone, Bilbo sat back with a contented sigh before weakly lamenting, “That bird is a bloody nuisance, Thorin.”

Thorin hummed noncommittally, not making a single comment about the fact that Bilbo had three chunks of cake settled neatly on the side of his plate. The biggest of which, he knew, would go to Lobelia.

**Author's Note:**

> Ok minus the nipple pecking (thankfully) and a lovely Thorin making tea and cake, this is, unfortunately, based on true events. Only, I had to chase two hens around the garden since they flew over from their section. It was all rather undignified.
> 
> I've written and posted this in about 45 minutes or so, and I've done it all without wearing my glasses (not entirely sure where they are either), so everything is a bit fuzzy right now and this has only been barely proofread.
> 
> Once I've got the ducklings in I might sit down and write another piece for this 'verse, I'd forgotten how much I loved it.


End file.
